Chris Talbot-Heindl
photo credit: Chris and Dana Talbot-Heindl
Image ID: The first image: Image is a triptych of photos. In the first, Chris unbuttons a striped shirt while shirtless. Their chest is exposed, showing healing top surgery scars. In the second photo, Chris is buttoning the striped shirt. In the third, Chris looks in the mirror. Text on the first image reads "This is what," on the second reads "gender euphoria," and on the third, "looks like."
The morning of your gender-affirming top surgery
The morning of your gender-affirming top surgery, while in the shower, applying the Hibiclens for the last time in preparation, you wonder if you’ve made a mistake.
This is a huge undertaking, and for some reason, your anxiety, often triggered by saying something slightly embarrassing, is nowhere to be found.
Suppose you had a roller derby bout that afternoon, for example. In that case, you’d at least have cold sweats, trouble eating, maybe some anxiety diarrhea, and would have to distract yourself by binging early-season Supernatural.
But as you soap yourself, you realize that your life until now has been the anxiety. Getting gender-affirming top surgery feels like the tangible solution to that ongoing problem of not being able to look at yourself in the mirror or feeling like you are separated from your own body.
Doing nothing feels like accepting dysphoria as a part of yourself; doing something feels like it could mean loving yourself as a complete being. Temporary discomfort for a lifetime of euphoria; that’s the goal.
It is then that you know with all your being that you know with all your heart, that you are doing the right thing. And you sigh in anticipatory relief.
previously published by Just Femme and Dandy
Image ID:
Comic: Image is an illustrated comic titled "What is my style without limitations." In the first cell, Chris is sleeping. Text says "Just a few more sleeps before I get my designer custom chest — a fancy term I learned in one of my trans support groups for gender-affirming top surgery. I can hardly wait!" In the second cell is an illustration of a clock. Text says "As the days slowly tick by, I find myself wondering how things will be different on the other side of this. How it will feel when I look at my chest, or touch it. How it will feel when I go to the beach in swimming trunks." In the third cell, there's an illustration of hangers with hoodies on them. Text says "A lot of my 'fashion' (if you can call it that) has been carefully curated to hide my chest. Binders, oversized shirts and sweatshirts, tops that can hide the fact that I'm wearing a binder, etc." In the last cell, it says above the illustration "What is my style without limitations?" The illustration is Chris smiling wearing a mock turtle neck tank top with their hands in their pockets. Text says "Will I revert back to mock turtle neck tanks? My favorite before my chest feminized (in the 90s...they were rad back then!) — great for highlighting my super broad shoulders. Will I feel comfortable in cute crop tops? How will I look in button downs? I don't know, but I'm excited to find out!"
A short film CommuniTy Science: One Trans Person's Trip to Loveland Pass to Study Pikas.
The story of why Chris Talbot-Heindl (they/them) avoids going out into nature by themself as a trans nonbinary individual. And how their accomplice Megan Mueller (she/her) took them out to Loveland Pass to study pikas and complete a pika survey!
A short film by Chris Talbot-Heindl
Music by Bensound
Colorado Pika Project
Chris Talbot-Heindl (They/Them)
Co-Owner, The Talbot-Heindl Experience
Author and Illustrator, The Story of Them
Co-Creator and Editor, The Bitchin' KitschCreator and Editor, All My Relations